Maja FCE Writing challenge June 2015

Essay no. 2    8/6/2015

 

You recently had a class discussion about women rights . Now your teacher has asked you to write a composition.

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?

You must answer this question. Write your answer in 140- 190 words in an appropriate style on the separate answer sheet.

Notes

Write about:

– education

– equal rights

– ………………(your own idea)

 

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Maja,

You’ve done much better job if we were to compare both essays. In the 2nd essay, you’ve included different linking expressions, variety of grammar structures, there weren’t any repetitions and you’ve kept the outline of the essay.

Nevertheless,  you still have to work with gerunds vs. infinitive and punctuation.

Keep up the good work!

🙂

Essay no.1     7/6/2015

You recently had a class discussion about television. Now your teacher has asked you to write a composition.

Young children watch too much television. Do you agree?

You must answer this question. Write your answer in 140- 190 words in an appropriate style on the separate answer sheet.

Notes

Write about:

– busy parents

– sports

– ………………(your own idea)

                 Nowadays most little children spend too much time watching television. It is believed that the main reasons are: busy parents – they do not pay enough attention to their kids; sports – they can watch every favorite discipline of sport in sports channel and the last but not least reason is too many children’s programs, sometimes shown 24 hours a day. 

Maja, you started your introduction really well. You’ve paraphrased the topic using different grammar structures. However, it seems you’ve included the two points mentioned in the topic together with some examples. By doing so, you limit yourself in a way, as these points should be discussed in paragraph 2 and 3, not introduction.

In the 1st paragraph you should give the ‘whole picture’ – which you did, and an introduction to both sides of the argument – I can’t see that in here, sorry.

                 First of all I would like to say that people work too much these days. When they finally get back from work they have not much time left. I haven’t got kids yet but in my opinion it’s easier for parents to switch on TV so kids can take care about themselves. Then adults have time to managed another duties waiting for them at home like cleaning or cooking.

You’ve used the necessary phrases introducing the topic- your 1st sentence is the introduction of what we’re going to read in this paragraph ( this is also called the topic sentence).

Later you’ve written about Disadvantage  1   —–  Reason Disadvantage  1 ——- Specific example 1- well done for the content

In terms of grammar, please have a look at the following mistakes:

…have not much time left. I haven’t got kids… both of these phrases are exactly the same, but only one is used grammatically correct.. which one? … I haven’t got kids- is correct. You can either say: haven’t got much time or don’t have much time. I’d suggest using different structures though, e.g. I not a mother myself, but…

 

time to managed another – should be: time to manage – after to we put verb in infinitive

 

duties waiting for them at home like cleaning – should be: duties waiting for them at home such as cleaning – like is optional but more informal

                   Secondly, in the most houses kids have access to over 200 channels in television. Some of them are dedicated only for sport. So instead of playing sport they choose sitting on a couch watching specials discipline of sports.
              Another disadvantage is too many cartoons and programs for children played all day long. When I was young we had three channels and they showed one cartoon a day just before i went to bed. These days kids can watch all the time, whenever they want. There is no limits at all, witch is terrible I think.

You’ve used the necessary phrases introducing the topic.

Later you’ve written about Disadvantage  1 & 2   —–  Reason Disadvantage  1 & 2——- Specific example 1 & 2- well done for the content

These two paragraphs shouldn’t be separated as they deal with the same issue.

In terms of grammar, please have a look at the following mistakes:

…in the most houses… the most is a part of superlative- which is connected to adjectives not nouns. it should be: in most houses

I don’t understand what you mean by watching specials discipline. What does specials refer to?

too many cartoons and programs for children played – I’m not sure if played is the right word, maybe transmitted, broadcast.

There is no limits at all, witch – limits- is plural, this is a witch . It should be: There are no limits at all, which…

                In my opinion young people spend too much time watching television definitely! What’s more I think it’s sad. Parents haven’t got time to watching their growing up children, they work too much so kids have to find another entertainment. That kind of entertainment is free or almost free, home based and the most important unlimited. 

It’s a good conclusion, you’ve included your opinion and added some further comment.

Points to look into:

    In my opinion young people spend too much time watching television definitely! should be     In my opinion young people definitely spend too much time watching.

What’s more I think it’s sad. – it’s a very similar sentence to the one ending 3rd paragraph and it’s quite short. In the exam it will do more harm than good.

Parents haven’t got time to watching – after to we put verb in infinitive –  time to watch

 have to find another entertainment. – should be:  have to find another form of entertainment.

 the most important unlimited. – should be  most importantly unlimited.

Maja,

You’ve got the idea of how to write the essay, however you still have to work on conveying your message into nicely written composition that not only includes present simple or past simple tense but also present perfect, passive etc.

Be careful – you tend to use the same words quite often. Look at your work and the amount of words that repeat (many, much, kids etc).

Avoid short sentences.

Revise : gerund vs. infinitive.

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