Dorothy FCE Writing challenge June 2015

Essay no.2     9/6/2015

You recently had a class discussion about women rights . Now your teacher has asked you to write a composition.

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?

You must answer this question. Write your answer in 140- 190 words in an appropriate style on the separate answer sheet.

Notes

Write about:

– education

– equal rights

– ………………(your own idea)

FCE essay 2 Dorothy

You’ve done really well Dorothy. There are various grammar structures used correctly within your essay! Well done.

The conclusion was a bit of a letdown, so next time be careful not to repeat the same ideas.

Essay no.1     7/6/2015

You recently had a class discussion about television. Now your teacher has asked you to write a composition.

Young children watch too much television. Do you agree?

You must answer this question. Write your answer in 140- 190 words in an appropriate style on the separate answer sheet.

Notes

Write about:

– busy parents

– sports

– ………………(your own idea)

        Many people think that before television has become such essential to us, children were thought to do more meaningful activity. Nevertheless many teacher myself included belief that nowadays teenagers do not have enough time to watch television at all. This essay will consider both sides of this statement.

Dorothy,

It’s a good introduction, at first I wasn’t sure if I understand it, but after I’ve read it few times I got your point. You’ve used a variety of grammar structures, together with linking words. You’ve also paraphrased the topic sentence. Well done!!

Points to consider:

more meaningful activity – maybe more meaningful activities would be better? 

Nevertheless many teacher myself included belief- should be  Nevertheless, many teachers, myself included, believe ( belief is a noun, believe is a verb) 

   First, I would like to put arguments in favour of wasting time in front of tv by children. Modern families suffer because of building pressures on people. Almost all husbands and wives need to spent most of day at work what causes abridgement of time for children. Further more parents after work are so tired that they sent children to watch tv instead of spending time together. Consequently youth is believed to spent more time for doing meaningless activity such like playing on the computers, iPads and watching television.

You’ve included the topic sentence and supported the argument with an example. You’ve crushed it!

However, have a look at the following:

tv- should be in capitals TV

building pressures on people: should be-  building pressure on people

need to spent: should be-  need to spend ( spent – is the verb in the past)

most of day: should be – most of the day

Further more: should be – Furthermore

parents after work are so tired that they sent: should be- parents  are so tired after work that they send

spent more time for doing: should be- spend more time on doing

meaningless activity such like playing: should be –  meaningless activities such as playing

. infinitive.

   On the other hand many teachers says that plenty of children and young people take up so many different kind of sports that they do not have time for television. For instance recent research showed that most of the children after school go to sports club in order to develop their interests and muscles and what is the most important they want spent time with friends for making friendship. In addition to this, adventure of playgrounds, parks cause that children rather choose outdoor activity then indoor.

You’ve included the topic sentence and supported the argument with an example. Your ideas are written in a logical sequence making it easy to understand your point of view.

Points to look at:

many teachers says– should be- many teachers say ( agrrr come on! silly mistake, isn’t it?)

recent research showed– could be- a recent research has showed

what is the most important they want spent time with friends for making friendship  – should be- what is more  important they want to spend time with friends on making friendship ( what is more- is a common phrase where we use the comparative rather than superlative; after want we have a verb in infinitive with to; spend time/money on)

All this considered I can not agree that children watch too much television. In my personal believing nowadays teenagers do not have enough time to spent in front of tv. Modern world offer so many different ways of spending time for children that they can watch tv just in school from time to time.

Your opinion is restated in the conclusion and you’ve added some more comments about the whole problem- well done.

Some grammar points:

All this considered– should be- all things/points considered

spent – should be spend

modern world offer– should be- modern world offers

can watch tv just in school from time to time– should be- can watch tv just from time to time at school. 

Are you sure we can use  In my personal believing? 

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